She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
