i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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