Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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