I cannot find my penis.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
we should paint friendship bongs
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