I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
