was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
