I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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