just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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