That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
