I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
