Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
