so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
