I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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