Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
