Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
