Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
