Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
