can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
