I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
