So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
