3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
