I want to have your abortion
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
