Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I need a burrito and a hug.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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