i already hear my dad disowning me
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
