i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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