I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
