It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
