I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
