it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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