I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
