Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
