Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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