I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
