You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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