I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
