My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
