the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
