shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
