I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
