First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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