So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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