Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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