That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
