so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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