So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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