Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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