He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
