The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
