New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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