drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
