why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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