I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
