My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
