she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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