he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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