took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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