Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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